Here We Go Again - Not Another Blog in my Not Another Series

February 19th, my eldest turned 10 years old, and although I'm still young, I have gained so much wisdom over the last decade and decided that, now that I have a proper diagnosis and am stable that I would begin to blog again.

For those who read my Not Another Single Mom Blog, and were invested in my stories, you know that I stopped blogging after a tumultuous relationship that ended badly. 

The truth is, I cowered. I submitted, because I was threatened. I stopped writing, because my inspiration was taken from me and used against me. I went down a dark path. I dropped out of college for the second time. I was so distracted and taken aback by the retaliation of the ending of that relationship that I completely bombed an exam, and from that day it was over. I didn't even try after that.

I dove back into my unhealthy coping habits, stopped taking care of myself again; though when I saw the wreckage I was creating, I recognized that I didn't want to be that way anymore. I was still going to CoDA, if only inconsistently, but for the first time since I had moved back home, I decided to seek help.

At the time, I had my kids full time and saw the repercussions of my behaviors taking a toll on them, and immediately decided that they deserved better; that I deserved better. There are unfortunate memories I made that still come up, and that's something I will regret for a long time. Although I don't dwell on these regrets, I do use them as lessons; I look back on them and remind myself how far I have come, and remind myself of the places I don't want to be in anymore.

It started with getting an intake appointment with a counselor, and trying to figure out medications. There was much trial and error; it became frustrating, at times daunting, but I was committed. And as far as counseling goes, I was seeing a therapist who specialized in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I met with her for nine months before I moved to Oregon, and felt like really not much had been accomplished. I was dealing with intense mood swings, staying up for days sometimes, and sleeping for days other times. I self-sabotaged. I self-harmed. I still felt as though something was wrong with me.

Now that I'm here, I can confidently say that I was not honest with my therapist. I said what I thought she wanted to hear. I sought her validation, not her expertise. I sought approval, not improvement. And I found that CBT was not a program that was conducive to my recovery. It helped in the short term, but the thoughts that have plagued me for the last 18 years weren't going away.

At this point, two and a half years since then, I find I still seek validation and approval. I am still codependent, and I still have behaviors that I am working hard to correct. However, those behaviors are becoming fewer and farther between. I am still actively seeking help; I have more resources and more tools than I've ever had and I'm here to share my journey and those tools that have helped me along the way.

I'm here to share what got me to where I'm at today; to share the grace and forgiveness I've shown myself, so that I can make myself whole and stop relying on others to do that for me.

Today I'm not sure if I'm just dealing really well, or if I'm dissociating because I am moving in five days and I have no job lined up and no place to live. I've been manifesting these things over the last several days because I have literally applied for every single job that I'm qualified - even overqualified for, and been turned down for nearly every one of them. I'm trying not to shit myself over all of this - but I've felt compelled to write about my story, so here we are - another chapter in the Not Another series. Thank you for joining me again. Buckle up!

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"We start to see that we have something to offer the world: ourselves... We are an important part of the world."

-February 22, Keep It Simple